If you’ve experienced the loss of someone dear, you may be tempted to think you ought to keep busy. You may feel you need to keep active, to keep functioning. Someone well-meaning may have even said to you, ‘it’s no good sitting around moping’. The idea that keeping busy will fix your broken heart or will help you move through grief quicker is not actually true.
Yes, keeping busy may provide a short-term distraction, and being active and practical may be your usual coping method when dealing with pain or stress, but it will not actually help you avoid the grief or speed your recovery.
Like other potentially compulsive behaviours, staying busy is, essentially, just a distraction and will always disappoint as a coping strategy. Ultimately, your grief will still be there after the distraction of busyness ends. It’s difficult to change a situation or feel you have choices if you’re avoiding the situation by keeping busy.
No one likes to feel bad, so it makes sense to want a distraction. But distraction isn’t recovery. Avoiding normal and natural feelings of grief could even prolong your grief. Facing grief head-on is the healthiest way to recover from loss in the long run.
Healthier approaches to dealing with grief
Everyone is different and each relationship is unique, so there is not just one way to grieve. Ultimately you need to grieve in a way that suits you, and that respects the unique relationship you had with the person who died. However, here are some common approaches that generally help everyone.
Face your feelings. The painful emotions that come with grief are a natural and normal response to loss. Trying to suppress or hide from them will only prolong the grieving process. Acknowledging your pain and taking responsibility for your feelings will help you avoid the problems often caused by unresolved grief, such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse and physical health problems. Feel whatever you feel. It’s OK to be angry. It’s good to cry and its fine to not cry! It’s also OK to laugh and find moments of joy or to let go when you’re ready. Your grief is your own, and no one can tell you when you should be “over it” or when to “move on”.
Express your feelings. The most effective way to do this is through some tangible or creative expression of your grief. Try journaling or writing a letter to give a voice to your emotions. Or start an art project celebrating the person’s life. Walk on the beach or in a favourite nature spot and actively remember your loved one, even speak out loud if you feel comfortable to do so.
Talking with an understanding family member or friend. Tell them that all they need to do is listen and not have to ‘fix’ things for you. Attend a support group or see a grief counsellor. Attend a local church and connect with God’s presence through worship or prayer. These are all things that will have a positive impact on your grieving experience.
Look after your health. Be aware of short-term relievers like food, alcohol, drugs, anger, isolation or workaholism. These things can become harmful when used for the wrong reasons and hide or avoid your grief. Try to sleep well. Try to make healthy food choices. Try to be physically active.
At Living Hope Funerals we understand how difficult losing a loved one is. Please feel free to contact us if we can help with decisions around a funeral or for advice on where to find help as you grieve.